Its 3.40 am on the 7th september 2011... I am now able to write that I am going home tomorrow.
I have not written anything while in Israel, which is where I have been for the last four months give or take a few days here or there, because I havent been doing anything that I felt I needed or wanted to write about.
But now on this, my last day here, for the time being, I wanted to write something.
As a child I was taught a midrash, a story, about why the Torah was started with the second letter of the hebrew alphabet, a bet. It looks a bit like a square, with the left hand horizontal side taken away...
The story says that all the letters of the alaphabet came to Gd and asked Gd to start the Torah with it, but Gd choose the bet because when looking at the letter, it is only possible to move in the one direction, forward, through the opening in the square, (hebrew being written from right to left, unlike english). Up, down, and behind are all blocked by the lines that form the letter.
This has proven itself to be a metaphor for my life... I have never, I don't think, gone backwards... not consciously anyway, nor have I ever had the desire to. I look only to the future and what lies ahead.
Going back home, therefore, has proven a tricky concept for me, and one that has made me extend my time in Israel by a month.
I was asked tonight if I am looking forward to going home... I dont think I can answer that question without first acknowledging that for the five years prior to this one, I spent my time building other people... this year has been about building myself, and in order to do that, I have almost run away from any contact with underprivileged people, whom I may have been expected to build what we, in the mental health field, call a therapeutic relationship, or something of that nature.
The question I find myself asking is, how do I move forward while physically going back? The answer to the question, 'am I looking forward to going home,' I think can only be answered by time... If I am able to find the balance between going back while still moving forwards, and building both others and myself, then I feel I will have achieved something wonderful.
My mother has spoken of two times in my life when she saw me grow.. the first was when I was 9 months old and my parents took me on holiday for the first time, and the second was when I was 11 and I went to school by myself for the first time. I believe that this whole year has been an eye opening experience, and a time of further growth..
To all those I met throughout my journeys, thank you all for helping me see myself in new and wonderful ways. I will honour you all by holding onto those new images, and living my life accordingly.
I want to finish now with a word from a friend... he taught me that the numerical value of the word elul, the name of the current hebrew month, is the same as the numerical value for the hebrew word, bina, which means understanding, and the same as the word boneh, to build. it is in this month, when the King, Gd, is in the fields, among His people, that we build the foundations of the coming year, that is celebrated in the next hebrew month...
it is therefore fitting that I should be returning home in this month, with greater understanding and a desire to build a more whole, meaningful and enjoyable future.
Shanah Tova... happy new year.
